Some Kind of Feeling

What do you do when you hit the wall?

This is the time of year when we should be looking towards the things we are thankful for, the things that bring joy to our lives.

I've been in some kind of mood, with some kinds of feelings, for over a week now.
There's so many, it's difficult for me to even know what those feelings are, or what that mood is.
It mostly, on me, looks grumpy.

This sort of feeling.

When I sat down to put up the blog post this evening, so that it could be ready to go for my team tomorrow morning, I'd planned on running a blog by Val, that I'll most likely be running next week. It's a blog about gremlins, the little and sometimes big things that the universe seems to hand deliver to kick us when we're the least stable, the least able to deal with them. And they're the things that after time, sometimes not much time at all, pile up and drive us under the blankets with the weight of the unable to deal.

And then I remembered that Thanksgiving is this week.
And I felt those gremlins creeping up on me.

This is supposed to be our, the Her War, Her Voice Team's, Thanksgiving post.

It's turned into something slightly different, something a lot more personal than I generally make the holiday blogs.

This year, at this time, I am thankful that I am still alive, my head is above water even if it's getting up my nose (and that is the worst ever), and I am still able to fight and hold my ground to create a safe space for those around me.

I am thankful that I have been given tools to help me start to work through the real life issues that plague me and those I love and those like me so that I can begin to plan a path that will hopefully create a better reality for everyone.

I am thankful for my chosen family, those who hold me close when blood either can't or won't, in ways that help keep me sane and safe as I live my life.

I am thankful for my team, for the understanding and connection we have worked so hard to build, because it has created an environment of safety, love, and understanding that holds us together through everything we've gone through this far.

I am thankful for a partner who loves me despite my failings and issues, who believes in me and helps me grow and become better every day because of that love.

I am thankful for this community, all of you, because when we came to you and asked to build a community of love, understanding, and acceptance, a community of our words and stories and the belief that every story is important, you met us with open arms and said "Yes, me too" and not only embraced this community, but build it up every day that you meet another spouse online or in person and speak to them with love and acceptance and work to bridge the differences between you.

There are many things that weigh down my heart right now.

But these things, they bring me life. They remind me that there is more beyond the darkness of my heart's fears and terrors, beyond the darkness of the outside world so full of fear and hate, and remind me that if we can do it here, with you all, maybe we can do it everywhere.

Thank you