While looking through old blogs, I ran across this one, from Val and Devin's "What If?" series.
And it reminded me, once again, that sometimes, what we need is not to keep powering through no matter what.
Sometimes, we need to accept that it's time to be still and stop trying to fulfill the expectations and wants of others.
Sometimes, we need to just be still within ourselves.
And that is more than okay.

I know I’m not alone in experiencing a state of low-level anxiety when walking through a deployment.  I worry about the man I love.  I hand-wring about my kids’ coping skills. I angst over car repairs, home repairs, and business transactions that are all on my shoulders.
For the last month or so, that anxiety has been a constant companion.  Orders we thought were locked in ended up being up in the air.  “Current events” caused our military affiliated population to have a collective rise in blood pressure.  And I kept asking myself why I couldn’t be better at thriving during a deployment. 
Yes,  you could say there has been some anxiety here.
 
I’m supposed to be kayaking today, but I’m not. 
One of the things our What If projects have had at their core was kicking back at fear and anxiety.
I’ve wanted to do a What-If Kayaking adventure for a long time.  A few years back I found myself longing for a “thing” that was mine.  My husband loved art and woodworking and biking and took time out to do those things when he was home.  I wanted something that was mine. I wanted it to be a little bit unique and something that would push my limits. We happen to live in the Pacific Northwest and this truly is the Outdoorsman’s Mecca.  Kayaking looked like a great way to take advantage of ALL that the area has to offer.
I’d taken a canoeing class in college which I’d enjoyed when I wasn’t feeling terrified and overwhelmed by figuring out how to steer and desperately wanting to avoid being the student who landed in the lake (especially with the guy who would one day be my husband right there to witness my potential humiliation).
So here I was 12 or 13 years later wondering if kayaking could be my thing.  I looked into it and even found classes offered on base.  But there was childcare to figure out and then…  I got pregnant.  I couldn’t really imagine shoving my pregnant body into a kayak—at least not as a relative newbie.  So I decided kayaking wouldn’t be my thing at that point and put it on the back burner.
Until….  What If Wednesday.  And then I put it on the top of my list.  Maybe with Devin there I could finally follow through.  Maybe with Devin there being new with me it wouldn’t be so scary to try. 
So we waited for the weather to change and our schedules to mesh to make it a possibility. 
Today was supposed to be that day.  And I’m not on the water.
 
 
I’m not on the water because as this weekend drew closer and closer I noticed that instead of a feeling of butterflies and excitement I felt dread.  As much as I’ve longed for this thing to try, I’ve also always been intimidated at the prospect.  When I thought about doing something with Devin this weekend what I found I really wanted was to just sit with her and talk..  Talk about the little stuff and the big…  Our kids and our husbands and our frustrations and worries. 
I take our What If projects pretty seriously. 
Part of me feels like I am letting you all down by not being in that tiny boat and out on the water today.   Couldn’t I be showing myself that I’m bigger than the anxiety monster and going out there and having a great time? Shouldn’t I be doing that?  Isn’t that one of the ‘consolation prizes’ we give ourselves during a deployment—trying new things and learning to be independent.
I don’t want to let you all down.  I don’t want to let myself down.  I don’t want to run away from a challenge.
 
But a bigger part of me feels like I have done right by myself.  I can’t get out from under this deployment no matter how much I want to.  I can’t control the X factors of life or the gremlins that land on my doorstep when he’s gone. 
But I can control some of the things I have anxiety over.
I am grateful that Devin will wait for me.  I’m grateful that she gets it.  That she knows that there are times to push yourself (or your friend) to step into the unknown and meet it bravely and there are times when the best thing to do is to step back and instead do things that nourish your soul without raising your heart rate.
 
Right now doing what’s best for me…  Taking care of me…  Doesn’t look like stepping out on a limb.  It looks like taking a weekend and choosing to be quiet with my kids.  We’re going to go hiking or to the beach later, so we won’t be sitting here not experiencing the world.  But it feels foolhardy to me to take the squeezing feeling that never leaves my chest and increase it today.
I WILL do this What If challenge, but I will do it at a time when I can approach it with anticipation and excited butterflies in my stomach rather than this feeling of dread.  Devin has promised that when I’m ready…  When adventure and the stamping out of fear is what I need, we’re going to take on some kayaks together.  Stay tuned… THAT blog post is coming.
 
For today my What If is this: What If I listened to the quiet voice within that is whispering ‘take it easy’ instead of ‘kick it up a notch?’.  What if I trusted that sometimes it’s ok not to push the limits?  What if I believed that my friend will be willing to stand by me when the time IS right?  What if sometimes it’s ok to be still and know that meeting the every day challenges of a deployment counts as something courageous too?

Sometimes, small joys can be found even in the most stressful moments of life.
 
I know we’re not supposed to say it.  Or feel it.  Or think it.  Even a little.
But there are things…  little things… that I sometimes actually almost like a little bit when my husband is out on work-ups or deployment.  Am I the only one who has a list of ‘deployment silver-linings?’
 
I get the T.V. remove to myself after the kids go to bed.  I don’t have to watch ‘Male group therapy,’ also known as the reality series featuring the guys who make the Chopper bikes, or any of the boring documentaries my husband loves to choose.  “How It’s Made” gets a rest on Netflix in favor of things like Glee, and Grey’s Anatomy.
 
I can clean when I want and if I want.
When he is gone, sometimes the house stays cleaner—a phenomenon that I haven’t quite figured out how to explain given the belief he has about his own fastidiousness, but even better…  I can clean anytime throughout the day.  If I feel froggy and want to tackle the kichen at 9:30 in the morning after the kids go off to school, I can do that.  If 5:30 in the evening suits my fancy better, that works too.  And occasionally, I get the cleaning bug at 10:30 or so at night…  Since I’m not aiming for any time in specific—I do the housework when I want to!  Some days I *gasp* choose not to clean at all!  We step over the dirty socks, the dishes pile up, and the laundry waits a day in favor of us playing or relaxing or just watching t.v. in our jammies.
 
Though sleep is sometimes hard to come by and there are nights that I stay up too late because I don’t want to go upstairs and meet with an empty bed, when I do get it there are fewer interruptions.  When he’s been working on the day shift, and he goes, I am always somewhat relieved to find that the no one hits the snooze button umpty-billion times.  I peacefully snooze through the hour of 4:45 a.m to 6:00 a.m. without the alarm going off.  In fact, it doesn’t go off until 6:30 or 7:00 when the alarm *I’ve* set beeps (only once thank you).  Alternatively, if he’s been working the night shift, I don’t have to wake myself up every hour to do the, “look at the clock and feel the bed….  Is he home yet?” dance.  I don’t have to rouse myself at 2:30 or 3:30 or 4:30 to do the “How was work, babe?” niceties?  (Of course, there *are* nights that this backfires and I reach to see if he’s there anyway and realize he’s gone like a ton of bricks)
Yes there are things I don’t quite mind about deployments and work-ups….  Not having to stock up on salad dressing (I don’t use any), not being teased about the tooth paste mess I make on the mirror, the quiet me time I get in the evenings after the kiddos go to bed….  These things and more can be almost… enjoyable when he is gone.
 
But…  But…
 
None of them are enough.  Because the flipside of all of them is simply this:  My best friend in the whole world is on the other side of the world and I am left incomplete.  My marriage is reduced to e-mails letters and every couple of months when he is in port the treat of a few phone calls or maybe even a chance to skype.  I miss him so much that I have to start focusing on little pieces of him to really remember what he looks like and what it feels like to be near him.  I think of the back of his elbows and the mole underneath his left eye to grasp at what he looks like in three dimensions when he isn’t just a picture on the wall.
Having the kids to myself can be fun sometimes.  I try to be more intentional about doing ‘girly fun things’ like painting toe nails and watching age-appropriate chick-flicks, but I happily trade that all in for the ability to not have those sweet babies cry themselves to sleep for the missing of Daddy.
No, I don’t have to clean as much, but I also don’t have help.  No one is here to take out the trash late Tuesday night when it suddenly dawns on me that it needs to go out.  No one is here to pick up a gallon of milk on the way home from work or to sweep the floors…  He’s not as fastidious as he thinks he is but he’s more fastidious than me.
There’s no one to make silly faces at and dance with when we brush teeth before bed, no one to wrap an arm around me and curl around me to help me go to sleep.  No one to talk over the highlights and blow by blow of the day with.
When he’s gone I look for the bright side and I find to my surprise that there are some things about him being gone that are a novelty for a week or so….  I realize that I’m pretty independent and can be pretty good company to myself when I need to be if it comes right down to it. 
But it doesn’t take long to realize those novelties are really just novelties.  And the truth of the matter is I’d trade every one of them in for the feeling of his hand in mine, the sound of his voice filling the silence, and the look in his eyes when he comes home and the girls charge him.
I’d trade any of the miniscule benefits (including the Sea Pay) for the simplicity of having him here breathing next to me, and the feeling of his arms around me.