No Plans For Next Year

11/3/2017

No Plans For Next Year

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Done
Finally
Another stress filled jaw clenching shit ass excuse for a crap ass day
Full of bullshit
Stress
Things I can not change
Expectations I can not make

But here now, this box next to me
Stare at it
Cans filled with maybe slight ease

Crack slight hiss
Possible release

Everyone knows I don’t really drink hard stuff any more
But does that count when
Everyone knows I can drain a tall boy in under ten minutes not even trying this little bitty 12 ounce can of almost nothing maybe I can squeeze another couple in before
Shit
It’s past time for bed

I’m sober enough
Wouldn’t drive but not yet
Stupid except for what the voices say
Hush up

Bed time now
Gonna sleep but can’t even with the cans the silence found half way between the push of stress and the push of slumber lost in the panic that splits the night up at 3am no more sleep okay one or two more just to take the edge off
Fine
We’ll start trying the meds juggle the balance between the bottles cans and pills the hard heavy push to drown out push down the panic jaw clenching memories knowing that the day next comes too soon that edge is sharp don’t get too smart you’ll cut yourself

Sober is as sober does do your job do your due diligence do your deeds don’t fuck up it’ll all come out in the wash

It’s turtles all the way down

Staring sideways into the mirror are you ever going to sleep again can you sleep without something bearing you down into that darkness the panic the dark of the terror is too much to let that soft dark in
How much longer before the flat heavy darkness of the crack slight hiss pushes you past the end of the dark you can come back from

I don’t know about you my friend but

I make no plans for next year

If you need help, please reach out.
We have been here. Lived here.
You can learn to make plans for next year.
Please, reach out. To us, or one of these groups:

Courage Beyond

1 (866) 781-8010 Web: http://couragebeyond.org/

MILITARY ONESOURCE

Consultant Line: 1(800) 342-9647 Web: www.militaryonesource.mil
Military Crisis Line: 1(800) 273-TALK (8255)

NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE

1 (800) 273-TALK (8255) Web: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE

1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) Web: www.thehotline.org

NATIONAL SEXUAL ASSAULT HOTLINE

1 (800) 656-HOPE (4673) Web: www.rainn.org

NATIONAL CHILD ABUSE HOTLINE

1 (800) 4-A-CHILD (422-4453) Web: www.childhelp.org

NATIONAL CENTER FOR MISSING AND EXPLOITED CHILDREN

1 (800) THE-LOST (843-5678) Web: www.missingkids.com

Note: Many of these have options for those with communication
needs such as Español only or hearing impaired. Check the organization’s website for details.

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Deen

MY STORY

I never thought I'd end up married, never mind to a military man. It was a whirlwind engagement, and a whirlwind marriage. And, like most whirlwinds, left more than a little bit of a mess behind. Some of it mine, some of it his, a lot of it both of ours. The first time I heard about the Her War, Her Voice facebook page, I wasn't sure what to expect. I don't fit the mold, I don't fit the norm of what people think of when they think military spouse. So I always felt outside and alone. So, I did what I always do. I sat and watched. And watched, and thought about what I was seeing. And learned the power of someone honestly saying to me "You are not alone. I feel that way too." I was lucky enough to be on the very first retreat. Since then, I've worked at each retreat, trying to express to those there the same feeling of belonging, of someone honestly, without judgement, caring for them. No matter what. The friends and family I have gained through Her War, Her Voice have and continue to be some of the dearest I have, and don't care that I can't always express my care and love the way that they do. There's nothing so very much like home to know that someone gets it, and has got your back, no matter what. I won't lie, it's not been easy. It's still not easy. But I know that I've got the support to help me get past all of this, and make it better.