And what are we just done with talking about, thinking about, remembering it's coming back up?
But really, it's just one more thing we have that adds to the weight of tired that drags us down, out of the space we work so hard to occupy.
I bet you’re tired of reading about deployments.
Maybe I am projecting, though…
So maybe that should read, “I’m tired of writing about deployments.”
Or wait. Maybe that should just say, “I’m tired of deployments.”
Ok, or maybe just. “I. Am. Tired.”
We are headed into number six. As I sit here and think about that, I can’t help but wonder, Is there anything to be said that I haven’t already said before?
Maybe just this: I don’t want to do it again… again.
I feel weak for saying that I don’t want to do it again.
I feel like we have been doing this long enough that I should have found the silver lining by now.
I feel for the thousandth (So I guess mathematically, it could only really be the sixth?) time that since I have done this so many times, it should be old hat.
Wait, I have already written that blog.
There is something so messed up about that. Something so wrong about the fact that we have done this so many times I feel like I don’t have anything to say.
Except, I also feel that if I don’t try to say something I leave the impression that it *is* somehow easier now. That a Navy wife of my experience and level of “salt,” no longer has feelings about any of this.
The problem is, I don’t want the spouse going through this for the first time to believe that for a second. She needs to know that there is nothing easy about this, and that she is not wrong for shedding tears, or being afraid or getting angry.
I don’t want the spouse going through this for the 8th time to believe this for a second.
She needs to know that it’s ok if she still hasn’t found her stiff upper, lip. If something about the good-bye still hits her in the gut as badly as the first time.
The feelings are always there. Always.
If my emotions are different this time, it is because they are so worn and frayed.
It is because I still haven’t recovered from last time or even the time before that.
It is because he hasn’t either.
How do I wrap this up on a positive note? I’m just not sure I can tonight.
We will keep going.
I will keep writing.
For all of us. For the first timers and the 6th timers and the 12th timers.
It may have all been done before. It may have been said before.
But it matters each time.
All of it.