A year ago I lay in bed and decided I had to leave my marriage. There is so much. After 17 years, I just couldn’t be that person anymore. I had lost so much of myself. I was so hurt. There was just so much and I couldn’t bridge the gap. I just couldn’t anymore.
This was the hardest and most gut wrenching decision I have ever been faced with. The weight of the choice nearly crushed me. Even after leaving, I wanted to take it back. I wanted to undo it all, but you can’t go backwards. Life doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. I wish I could take back all the things we did to each other in the name of being hurt people. But you can’t go backwards.
So I took a step forward. Then another and another. The steps are shaky and terrifying on uneven and slippery ground. However, even with all the slips and falls and difficulties, my footing held. I honestly did not think I could walk this path. I kept waiting to find out that I couldn’t. I am stronger than I thought.
For the first time in a very long time, I have choices. I am choosing me more often than ever before. Slowly I am finding the pieces of me that I thought I lost long ago. I am going out with people. I am an extrovert and need that time to recharge. I don’t just enjoy it, I need it to physically recharge my battery and refill my cup. I am choosing my friends for the people they are the joy they emit into the world. I am choosing my kids. I am choosing to see them for the people they are and then give them what they need.
A wise friend once told me to set a date on the calendar and only then to evaluate how I was doing. She was right. It allowed me the time to properly grieve, make decisions, and find a way to see the journey and not just individual steps. My one year date is approaching. As I look at the journey, it was hard, but I didn’t quit. I am not the same; how could I be? I can say that I am mostly OK. After the last few years of being anything but OK, I will take mostly OK.