Editor's note: This blog was written more than a year ago, almost a year and a half ago. I decided to include it as written, because it still holds emotions and thoughts and words that echo forth for not only those of us on the team who have left our marriages behind, but those of our community who are facing the same thing.
A year ago I lay in bed and decided I had to leave my marriage. There is so much. After 17 years, I just couldn’t be that person anymore. I had lost so much of myself. I was so hurt. There was just so much and I couldn’t bridge the gap. I just couldn’t anymore.
This was the hardest and most gut wrenching decision I have ever been faced with. The weight of the choice nearly crushed me. Even after leaving, I wanted to take it back. I wanted to undo it all, but you can’t go backwards. Life doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. I wish I could take back all the things we did to each other in the name of being hurt people. But you can’t go backwards.
So I took a step forward. Then another and another. The steps are shaky and terrifying on uneven and slippery ground. However, even with all the slips and falls and difficulties, my footing held. I honestly did not think I could walk this path. I kept waiting to find out that I couldn’t. I am stronger than I thought.
For the first time in a very long time, I have choices. I am choosing me more often than ever before. Slowly I am finding the pieces of me that I thought I lost long ago. I am going out with people. I am an extrovert and need that time to recharge. I don’t just enjoy it, I need it to physically recharge my battery and refill my cup. I am choosing my friends for the people they are the joy they emit into the world. I am choosing my kids. I am choosing to see them for the people they are and then give them what they need.
A wise friend once told me to set a date on the calendar and only then to evaluate how I was doing. She was right. It allowed me the time to properly grieve, make decisions, and find a way to see the journey and not just individual steps. My one year date is approaching. As I look at the journey, it was hard, but I didn’t quit. I am not the same; how could I be? I can say that I am mostly OK. After the last few years of being anything but OK, I will take mostly OK.
A year ago I lay in bed and decided I had to leave my marriage. There is so much. After 17 years, I just couldn’t be that person anymore. I had lost so much of myself. I was so hurt. There was just so much and I couldn’t bridge the gap. I just couldn’t anymore.
This was the hardest and most gut wrenching decision I have ever been faced with. The weight of the choice nearly crushed me. Even after leaving, I wanted to take it back. I wanted to undo it all, but you can’t go backwards. Life doesn’t work that way. I wish it did. I wish I could take back all the things we did to each other in the name of being hurt people. But you can’t go backwards.
So I took a step forward. Then another and another. The steps are shaky and terrifying on uneven and slippery ground. However, even with all the slips and falls and difficulties, my footing held. I honestly did not think I could walk this path. I kept waiting to find out that I couldn’t. I am stronger than I thought.
For the first time in a very long time, I have choices. I am choosing me more often than ever before. Slowly I am finding the pieces of me that I thought I lost long ago. I am going out with people. I am an extrovert and need that time to recharge. I don’t just enjoy it, I need it to physically recharge my battery and refill my cup. I am choosing my friends for the people they are the joy they emit into the world. I am choosing my kids. I am choosing to see them for the people they are and then give them what they need.
A wise friend once told me to set a date on the calendar and only then to evaluate how I was doing. She was right. It allowed me the time to properly grieve, make decisions, and find a way to see the journey and not just individual steps. My one year date is approaching. As I look at the journey, it was hard, but I didn’t quit. I am not the same; how could I be? I can say that I am mostly OK. After the last few years of being anything but OK, I will take mostly OK.
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